When you are an expat it is inevitable that you will change. Your tastes will change, you may develop a new look, you most certainly develop a new outlook on the world. But the most recognizable change is in some of our habits. In our house, my husband still likes to greet us in the morning with a little dutch "Goedemorgen". When we are awaiting the arrival of a repair person, or friend, we know they will arrive at the designated time, followed by an arabic "inshallah". These words have just become part of our vocabulary.
While away, I did develop one other little habit. I didn't think it was a problem until just recently. My habit is telling people my name. I find myself constantly introducing myself to strangers. Sometimes I receive a return greeting, most commonly is this kind of puzzled look.
So now I feel the need to defend my actions! When you live abroad and your children attend an international school, the majority - probably 90% - of the school's population are expats. Our last school had students and families from over 60 countries. We all had a common bond....we are not in our home country. You can make friends very easily in an international school. The two campus we attended required security passes to gain access to the buildings. Once on the grounds, you could always find moms having meetings, having coffee, and sometimes just using the cafeteria as a gathering place. There was always someone to talk to. If you walked into the room and did not know someone's name, it is not at all unusual to walk up to them, smily and introduce yourself. The conversation from that point on flowed pretty easily. We could talk about where we were from, where we have lived, and then, of course, the ages of our kids. If it was nearing a holiday, you could ask for trip advice or if family was coming to visit. The ability to find a topic of discussion is SO easy. I loved finding friends in the cafeteria. I loved hearing the stories from other people about the wonderful places they have lived and traveled.
Then I came home. Parents are not allowed on the high school campus during lunch hours. You can not enter the building to just walk around, talk with people, and see what is happening on campus. The school is for kids! Really! I had grown accustomed to the school being a social gathering place! It feels so strange to be locked out.
So here is where the problem began. I volunteered to work the concession stand during a football game. I was actually looking forward to it as I would finally get to meet some new parents. We would make popcorn, laugh, and get to know one another. Our friendships would blossom!! So here is the scene, I walk in, smile and say "Hi, I am Carol Chew". Response "Make sure you sign in on the board outside and then decide whether you want to work up front or make nachos." Wait, What? Ok, so maybe she was too busy to talk. I proceeded to take my place up front and introduce myself to the other worker bees. Nods, a few smiles, and first names only. My heart kind of sank. I went home a bit frustrated, but that was only one experience. I had another opportunity to make friends at the upcoming band dinner. I volunteered to work from 3-5. I walked in, set down my purse, and stepped up to the woman who appeared to be in charge. I introduced myself "Hi, I am Carol Chew". Response "OK, I need you to scoop cobbler and then make lemonade." Wait, What? Now, who is this person? Who are all these people?? So, I scooped cobbler, made lemonade and went home.
People are not being rude, really. They are just being people. They have lived in this same town probably most of their lives. They have been running things at the school for years and already have their tight, closed group of friends. I am a stranger.
One more try....the following week I went into the concession stand. I introduced myself "Hi, I am Carol Chew". Response "OK, be sure to sign in and.." I interrupt....."Wait! Who are you??" She told me her first name and then proceeded with directions for my job. Funny, now I don't even remember her name. It was the only conversation we had. At this point I am now really frustrated and discouraged. How exactly do you make friends here? Later in the week I walked into the school reception area to drop off something for Sarah. As I made conversation with the receptionist I said "I have not met you yet, my name is Carol Chew". Response, "I am always here." What an odd name! So nice to meet you "Always Here. Do you have children at the school?". Not so funny. AND - I still don't know her name.
That night I went out to dinner with my friends, not shiny, new friends, but the good old true friends, I complained about the lack of introductions in this town. I relay my stories about how no one will introduce themselves. I am perceiving this as rude, unjust, and just really sad. I may have returned to my old town, but I am still new and I WANT FRIENDS! The girls laugh and offer one piece of advice "QUIT TELLING PEOPLE YOUR NAME!".
That night I think it over. I guess they are right. Friendships here at home grow slowly, gradually, and very carefully. There is no need to make friends quickly. Being an expat sparks the desire to connect and make our home-away-from-home family. That is no longer the world I live in. Ugh. How sad. But I will try, I will conform, I promise myself I will adjust. And, I did try, for almost 24 hours. Of course the next night I did catch myself introducing myself to a couple in line at the haunted house. Guess I'll try again tomorrow. But....know this world.....I AM CAROL!
While away, I did develop one other little habit. I didn't think it was a problem until just recently. My habit is telling people my name. I find myself constantly introducing myself to strangers. Sometimes I receive a return greeting, most commonly is this kind of puzzled look.
So now I feel the need to defend my actions! When you live abroad and your children attend an international school, the majority - probably 90% - of the school's population are expats. Our last school had students and families from over 60 countries. We all had a common bond....we are not in our home country. You can make friends very easily in an international school. The two campus we attended required security passes to gain access to the buildings. Once on the grounds, you could always find moms having meetings, having coffee, and sometimes just using the cafeteria as a gathering place. There was always someone to talk to. If you walked into the room and did not know someone's name, it is not at all unusual to walk up to them, smily and introduce yourself. The conversation from that point on flowed pretty easily. We could talk about where we were from, where we have lived, and then, of course, the ages of our kids. If it was nearing a holiday, you could ask for trip advice or if family was coming to visit. The ability to find a topic of discussion is SO easy. I loved finding friends in the cafeteria. I loved hearing the stories from other people about the wonderful places they have lived and traveled.
Then I came home. Parents are not allowed on the high school campus during lunch hours. You can not enter the building to just walk around, talk with people, and see what is happening on campus. The school is for kids! Really! I had grown accustomed to the school being a social gathering place! It feels so strange to be locked out.
So here is where the problem began. I volunteered to work the concession stand during a football game. I was actually looking forward to it as I would finally get to meet some new parents. We would make popcorn, laugh, and get to know one another. Our friendships would blossom!! So here is the scene, I walk in, smile and say "Hi, I am Carol Chew". Response "Make sure you sign in on the board outside and then decide whether you want to work up front or make nachos." Wait, What? Ok, so maybe she was too busy to talk. I proceeded to take my place up front and introduce myself to the other worker bees. Nods, a few smiles, and first names only. My heart kind of sank. I went home a bit frustrated, but that was only one experience. I had another opportunity to make friends at the upcoming band dinner. I volunteered to work from 3-5. I walked in, set down my purse, and stepped up to the woman who appeared to be in charge. I introduced myself "Hi, I am Carol Chew". Response "OK, I need you to scoop cobbler and then make lemonade." Wait, What? Now, who is this person? Who are all these people?? So, I scooped cobbler, made lemonade and went home.
People are not being rude, really. They are just being people. They have lived in this same town probably most of their lives. They have been running things at the school for years and already have their tight, closed group of friends. I am a stranger.
One more try....the following week I went into the concession stand. I introduced myself "Hi, I am Carol Chew". Response "OK, be sure to sign in and.." I interrupt....."Wait! Who are you??" She told me her first name and then proceeded with directions for my job. Funny, now I don't even remember her name. It was the only conversation we had. At this point I am now really frustrated and discouraged. How exactly do you make friends here? Later in the week I walked into the school reception area to drop off something for Sarah. As I made conversation with the receptionist I said "I have not met you yet, my name is Carol Chew". Response, "I am always here." What an odd name! So nice to meet you "Always Here. Do you have children at the school?". Not so funny. AND - I still don't know her name.
That night I went out to dinner with my friends, not shiny, new friends, but the good old true friends, I complained about the lack of introductions in this town. I relay my stories about how no one will introduce themselves. I am perceiving this as rude, unjust, and just really sad. I may have returned to my old town, but I am still new and I WANT FRIENDS! The girls laugh and offer one piece of advice "QUIT TELLING PEOPLE YOUR NAME!".
That night I think it over. I guess they are right. Friendships here at home grow slowly, gradually, and very carefully. There is no need to make friends quickly. Being an expat sparks the desire to connect and make our home-away-from-home family. That is no longer the world I live in. Ugh. How sad. But I will try, I will conform, I promise myself I will adjust. And, I did try, for almost 24 hours. Of course the next night I did catch myself introducing myself to a couple in line at the haunted house. Guess I'll try again tomorrow. But....know this world.....I AM CAROL!
